Everyone loves Jewish humor.  Well, almost everyone loves Jewish humor. Okay, not everyone loves Jewish humor, but you do, so you are in the right place! Do you have some Jewish humor, some jokes, that makes your kishkas feel like they're davening at high speed?  Send it to us at yeshuaconnection@aim.com If the Jewish humor, jokes, make us smile, are clean enough to tell to Mama and aren't as old as the bagel being a "Jewish" food, we'll include it here!  Print these out and share them with your friends. They will enjoy it so much and learn something too!

Priest & Rabbi Share Car

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.  After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.  A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car! The rabbi hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.   "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

The Seminary - Final Exam 

At a well known Reform Jewish Seminary in Georgia, there were four sophomores taking Hebrew and all of them had an "A" ....  so far. These four friends were so confident that on the  weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends in Florida where they had a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying; they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to the Seminary until early Monday morning.  Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied all night and early morning for the exam.  The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy... then they turned the page.  On the second page was written - For 95 points: Which tire? 

One day a Jewish man wakes up late for a new job interview. He quickly takes a shower, eats breakfast, and gets into his car. When he finally gets there he can't find any parking places.  He looks and looks, but he just doesn't find one. finally he prays to G-d and says. "G-d if you find me a parking spot I will go to the temple every Saturday morning and I will never lie again." Two minutes later he finds one and says, "Never mind I found one!" 

It's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor.
"Melvin, why can't you sleep?" she asks him. 
"You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1,000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money. I don't know what I'm going to do." Melvin replies.
Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam," she shouts, and several times more, "Sam, Sam."
 Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what in the world do you want?"
   Goldie says, "You know the $1,000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."
She then slams the window shut, turns to Melvin and says, "now you go to sleep, and let Sam pace the floor."

He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"
The Texan  replies:  "I  want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Bud."  The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.

The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"
He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I'd also like a big plate of escargots cooked in the French manner."  The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for.  He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in the pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"
The Israeli  looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to  kick me in the behind as hard as you can."  The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can."  The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can.  With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals.

The Texan  and  the  Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, EU and the State Department for 'overreacting' to insufficient provocation?"

"If I were Rockefeller," sighed the Hebrew teacher from Chelm, "I'd be richer than Bill Gates."
His friend asked, "What do you mean? How could you be richer?"
"I'd do a little teaching on the side." 

A local synagogue is taken over by terrorists.  They hold the rabbi, the cantor, and the president of the synagogue hostages.  The  terrorists decides he is going to kill each of them, but first grant them each one request.  "What do you want?'"  Says the terrorist to the rabbi.  The rabbi says, "Well, I always wanted to deliver the best Yom Kippur speech, it's a little long , however...at least three hours."  The terrorist thinks this over and decides he'll let him.  Next he asks the Cantor,"what do you want?"  "I
always wanted to read the Torah from beginning to end to a congregation - it'll take some time, however....probably a few days."  The terrorist thinks this over and decides he'll let him.  Than the terrorist turns to the President, "well, what's your wish..."  The president responds..."Kill me first."

A Jewish man called his mother in Florida.
He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."
The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son then asked, "Why you haven't eaten in 38 days!?"
She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."

---

The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello? Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

---

There was this family of Schmohawk Indians sitting around the shtetl one night. The papa, Geronowitz, the mama, Pocayenta and the beautiful young daughter, Minihorowitz.
So, nu," says the daughter, "You'll never believe."
"What?" says the mama.
"Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage."
"Yes?" says the mama, "so what did you say?"
"I said 'Yes.'"
"You said 'Yes'?"
"I said 'Yes.'"
"That's wonderful," says the mama. "She said 'Yes'! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married!"
"I heard," says the papa, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?"
"Sittin' Bialy."
"Sittin' Bialy?" says the mama, "of the So Sioux Me tribe?"
"That's the one," says Minihorowitz.
"Oy, Geronowitz! The So Sioux Me's! There are so many of them! How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?"
"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.
"Geronowitz! Get me a buffalo!", says the Mama.
"What, at this hour?"
"No, Geronowitz, for the wedding! I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo!"
So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and a night and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and another night, and still no sign of him. Another day and half the night, and Geronowitz comes home. Exhausted. Staggering. And empty-handed.
"Geronowitz! I've been worried sick Where have you been? And where's my buffalo?!"
"It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high, and I hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo, he made Mickey Rooney look strong. It was a tiny, scrawny little buffalo, with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day. The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, from this way and that way, and I finally found a buffalo. He was a big buffalo, with lots of meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. 'This I thought to myself, 'this is not the buffalo for my daughter's wedding.' So again, I settled in for the night to try again the next day. The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low from this way and that way, going up hills and down hills, and I found a buffalo. It was a big buffalo. It was, as buffalo go, a beautiful buffalo. It was, if I say so myself, the perfect buffalo. This,' I said to myself, 'is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz wedding. So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk, as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck, when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."
"See what?" says Pocayenta.
"I'd brought the dairy tomahawk!"

---

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"

---

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
"Born a Jew .... Raised a Jew .... Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying:
"Born a cow .... Raised a cow .... Now a fish."

---

Mama’s Law

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

---

One day a Jewish Mother and her 8-year-old daughter were walking along the beach, just at the water's edge. Suddenly, a GIGANTIC wave flashed up on the beach, sweeping the little girl out to sea.
"Oh, G-d," lamented the mother, turning her face toward heaven and shaking her fist. "This was my ONLY baby. I can't have more children. She is the love and joy of my life. I have cherished every day that she's been with me. Give her back to me, and I'll go to the synagogue every day for the rest of my life!!!!"
Suddenly, another GIGANTIC wave flashed up and deposited the girl back on the sand.
The mother looked up to heaven and said, "She had on a HAT!!!!"

---

So one guy says to another guy, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..." Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"

So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."

"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."

- Ben-Gurion

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to a final meal of their choice before the execution.

They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. "Give me some good French wine and French bread," he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Next it was the Italian's turn. "Give me a big plate of pasta," said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.

Now it was the Jewish fellow's turn. "I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew.

"Strawberries! It's September. Strawberries aren't in season for months!" exclaimed his captors.

"So...I'll wait!"

One Yom Kippur, in a little schul in Gunnysack, New York, the rabbi stops in the middle of the musaf service, prostrates himself beside the bima, and cries out, “O God. Before You, I am nothing!”
The chazen is so moved by this demonstration of piety that he immediately follows suit, throwing himself to the floor beside the rabbi and crying, 'O God!  Before you, I am nothing!”
In the ensuing silence, a shuffling is heard in the back row. Saul Blumenthal jumps from his seat, prostrates himself in the isle and cries, “O God! Before You, I am nothing!”
Seeing this, the chazen nudges the rabbi and whispers, “So look who thinks he’s nothing?”

All night Aharon talked with his new parrot with the Yiddisha Kup
......................in Yiddish.  

Next morning, Aharon began to put on his tefillin, all the while, saying his prayers.  The parrot demanded to
know what he was doing, and when Aharon explained, the parrot wanted some too. Aharon went out and hand-made a
miniature set of tefillin for the parrot.

The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer.  He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Aharon
spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Aharon came to
love and count on the parrot as a friend and a fellow Jew.  

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Aharon rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded
to go with him. Aharon explained that Schul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific
argument and was carried to Schul on Aharon's shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Aharon was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi
and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Aharon convinced
them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Aharon. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could
not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.  All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on
Aharon's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Aharon heard not a peep from the bird. 
He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath,
"Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"

Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Aharon found that he owed his Schul buddies and the
Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home, extremely angry, saying nothing.  Finally several
blocks from the schul the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.
Aharon stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars.
Why? After I made your tefillin and taught you the morning prayers and taught you to read Hebrew and the
Torah portions. And after that you  begged me to bring you to Schul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be silly," the parrot replied. "Think of the
odds on Yom Kippur."

After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.

At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University. At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?" "Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious"

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?" The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

A young woman teacher with explains to her class of children that she is an atheist.  She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.  There is, however, one exception.  A Jewish girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm Jewish."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.  She asks Sara why she is Jewish.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God.  My Mom is Jewish, and my Dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."
The teacher is now angry.  "That's no reason," she says loudly.  "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron.  What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile.  "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."

The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed. If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure. One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.

If you are an aspiring Jew or marrying into a Jewish family, there are certain things you must know to survive. Take this quiz to see if you've learned enough to function in your new Jewish family:

1. There are no Jews living in  a. sin b. El Paso c. trailer parks

2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to: a. do windows b. make latkes c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be: a. gentle b. housebroken c. stuffed

4. Jews spend their vacations: a. sightseeing b. sunbathing c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next

5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are: a. up on the newest styles b. entitled to free haircuts c. not Jewish

6. Wilderness means a. no running water b. no electricity c. no hot and sour soup

7. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is: a. jogging b. tennis c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

8. Jews never drive a. unsafely b. on Saturdays c. eighteen wheelers

9. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is a. Easter lilies b. a crucifix c. a Zippo lighter

10. A Jewish skydiver is a. careful b. insured c. an apparition

11. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to a. become a prostitute b. deface a synagogue c. remove the back of a radio.

12. Jews never sing a. off-key b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu" c. around a piano bar

13. Jews are ambivalent about a. vegetarianism b. Jesse Jackson c. absolutely nothing

Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each"c". 39-41: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you. 29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to. 17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying a Denny's franchise.

If Computers were Jewish
1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would  get "farklempt"
2. Hanukkah screen savers would have "Flying Dreidles".
3. Your PC would shut down automatically at sundown on Friday   evenings.
4. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
5. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting  any younger!" button.
6.. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!".
7. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".
8."Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".
9. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte  of that".
10. When running "scandisk", you would be prompted with a "You vant  I should fix this?" message.
11. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud "Oye!!!".
12. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
13. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schluffy"
14. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
15. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Mah-Jong."
16. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
17. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
18. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
19. "Year 2000" issues would be replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
20. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I were a Rich Man.

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to

discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know.

I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what

happened. I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce

Mama just like that after 54years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only

called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it any

more than this. You can call your sister and tell her.

It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to

her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several

days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do

anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer

until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it

anymore." A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her

brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after

tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you

won't do anything until we both get there." Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris

turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea

to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."

Three rabbis were talking over regular Sunday morning breakfast get-together.

Rabbi Ginsberg:Oye! We have such a problem with mice at our schul. The shammos set out all kinds of baited traps
but they keep coming back. Do either of you learned men know how I can get rid of these vermin?

The second rabbi, Rabbi Cohen:We have the same problem at our schul, we've spent all kinds of gelt on exterminators but the problem still persists.

The third rabbi, Rabbi Slosberg looking at Rabbi Ginsberg and Rabbi Cohen: We had the same problem with mice at our schul. We tried traps, exterminators, prayers and baseball bats. Nothing worked. Then one shabbos after services were over, a brilliant idea came into my mind. The next shabbos I went to the schul about and hour before services started. I brought a big wheel of yellow cheese and placed it in the center of the bima. Soon dozens of mice appeared on the bima and headed for the cheese. While they were feasting on the cheese, I Bar-Mitzvahed all of them. I never saw them in schul again!

The Doctor: Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.

Mrs. Cohen: So did my arthritis

 A car hit a Jewish man.

The paramedic:Are you comfortable?

Jewish man: I make a good living.

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus and sits down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.

The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you," she hisses at him.

He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?"

She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off your hat! It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish.

I'm Amish."

The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs."

An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train. The young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old man does not answer.

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old man keeps silent.

"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"

The old man says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married.  Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

Rosh Hashanah was over and there was time until Yom Kippur, and Abie needed his tallis cleaned. He called his friend Max to ask what dry cleaner to take it to.

Max said, "I always take my tallis to Moishe the dry cleaner on W 4th. He only charges $4.00"

So Abie goes over to Moishe's and finds that the ownership has changed. He asks the new owner, Mr. Jones, if he meets the old prices. Mr. Jones assures him that he does.

Three days later, Abie goes to get his tallis and is given a bill for $24.00.

He storms at Mr. Jones. "I thought you met Moishe's prices?"

"I did, " said Mr. Jones, "$4.00 for the tallis, and $20.00 to get all the knots out of the fringes!"

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.

The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied.

"Where did your people eat for a thousand years?

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Having no choice, the Jews picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

The first 3-man space shuttle came splashing down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull picked up the capsule.

 The first man who got out of the capsule was Protestant and his minister asked him, "How was it, my son?" The Protestant astronaut answered with a big healthy smile, "It was truly a great experience."

 The second man was Catholic and when he emerged from the capsule his priest blessed him and asked him, "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost --How was it?" He replied, "It was fabulous, Father!"

 The third man was Jewish and with great effort left the space ship. He was still huffing and puffing as his Rabbi came up to him and asked, "How come -- nu, what happened? The other two astronauts came out composed and refreshed -- and you, nu?"

The Jewish astronaut answered, breathing heavily, "Every 90 minutes, Shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv, Shacharit-mincha-ma'ariv!"

Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration. Harry: Momma, guess what! I've just been elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can't face the journey all the way to Washington.
Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you.
The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please...
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother’s a doctor!"

Feggala Rothstein from Chicago decided to go on vacation to Miami in the 1920s. Upon trying to checking into a nice hotel, the concierge told her, "Sorry, there's no vacancy." Just then, a man checked out. Feggala then exclaimed, "Good, now you have a room."
"Sorry", the man behind the counter replied, "this hotel is restricted."
"And what does that mean?" she asked him.
"Jews aren't allowed here!"
"Well what makes you think I'm Jewish?" she shot back.
"I know you are!"
"Well, I'm not! I'm a Catholic! " she insisted.
"So tell me, " the man replied, "Did G-d have a son?"
"Sure."
"What was his name?"
"Jesus."
"And where was he born?"
"In Bethlehem, in a stable."
"And WHY was he born there?"
"Because a schtunck like you wouldn't rent his parents a room!"

Two wasps buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks wasp number one. "Not too good," says wasp two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."

The first wasp has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Wasp two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.

An hour later, the wasps bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-wasp. "Great!" says buddy-wasp.

The first wasp peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to see that I was a wasp."

A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home. "Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our schul's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz. "Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down... "

"That," said the old man, "is our custom."

===========================================

If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

=====================================================

Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan. I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV".

The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what TiVo is for".

Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can record Kol Nidre"?

=====================================================

An elderly Jewish lady approaches a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"

The man answers: "Yes, Ich Farshtay."

Elderly Lady: "Vot Time is It?"

=====================================================

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital?

Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request."

Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"

She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber--Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, and if she continues this way, her doctor is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."

The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family."

She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!"

======================================================

Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered.   They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother. AVRAHAM, the first, said:  "I built a big house for our mother." MOISHE, the second, said:  "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." DAVID, the youngest, said:   "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Torah.  Now she can't see very well.  I sent her a remarkable rare priceless parrot that recites the whole book in Yiddish -- Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and he does it perfectly." Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother. "AVRAHAM", she said, the house you built is so huge.  I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house". "MOISHE", she said, "I am too old to travel.  I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes.  And that driver has shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas". "But DAVID", she said, "THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS!"

======================================================

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay, Irving, Fetch!"

Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.

Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy ... This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know!  And you think it's easy eating that junk you call designer dog food. Forget it...it's too salty and it gives me gas.  And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it.  Junk I say!  Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can't remember when!"

The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks.
Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."

"I know, I know." says the owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet. He thought I said, 'Kvetch'."

======================================================

What is a genius?
An average student with a Jewish Mother.

======================================================

Jewish voice mail: "Begin worrying.  Details to follow."

======================================================

A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery. 

They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. 

They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded themselves 

with all the material wealth imaginable. 

They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled to London 

to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency and brought him back 

to their estate. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the 

dining room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple 

then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set 

for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed 

him to set the table for four. The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said

they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes.

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